Humor Quotes - Page 75

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...I advise that safe-conduct on the highways be abolished completely for the Jews.

I am only human, although I regret it.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

Life is full of risks anyway; why not take them?

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.

It is not in the power of every one to taste humor, however he may wish it; it is the gift of God! and a true feeler always brings half the entertainment along with him.

The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.

Keeping a sense of humor about life. My parents divorced when I was 8, and whenever I felt down, my mom would remind me that a sense of humor gets you through just about anything.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

Everyone coming out of a perfume store is smelling the back of their hand.

I think everybody you know, we all have a sense of humor and I'm not one to take myself too seriously.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.

My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.