Bob Hope Quotes - Page 2

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I can still chase women, only downhill

Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation

Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

I'm from Los Angeles... I don't trust any air I can't see.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?