Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it's silly to let the game get to you. When I miss a shot I just think what a beautiful day it is. And what pure fresh air I'm breathing. Then I take a deep breath. I have to do that. That's what gives me the strength to break the club.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.
Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
I can't give up Golf, I've got too many sweaters.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty one.
As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, "Don't worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it's obsolete."
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.
Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells 'Fore!' the guy he's hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.
I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
It's amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn't sell theirs threw them away.
