Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 8

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied — so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

The important thing is to be drunk.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face.

ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.