Henny Youngman Quotes about Funny - Page 5

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.