Henny Youngman Quotes about Funny - Page 4

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!