Henny Youngman Quotes about Funny - Page 2

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!".

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!