Henny Youngman Quotes about Funny - Page 3

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.