Jerry Seinfeld Quotes - Page 11

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity - I just don't want to do that.

Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.

I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!

Economy is essential to all good art.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way.

I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.

What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.