Jerry Seinfeld Quotes - Page 8

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, 'Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!' Once you put that helmet on them, 'You're in the luge, buddy!' 'aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA... aaaAAAAA...' World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.