Jerry Seinfeld Quotes - Page 10

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

And I'll tell ya, I'm really enjoying this marriage thing. You think about each other. You care about each other. It's wonderful! Plus, I love saying 'my wife.' Once I started saying it, I couldn't stop - 'my wife' this, 'my wife' that...it's an amazing way to begin a sentence.

We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who's ... normal ... I'm not curious, I'm not interested.

Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.