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P. J. ORourke Quotes - Page 3

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The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.

The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.

Father, Republic, Might

In the American political system, you're only allowed to have real ideas if it's absolutely guaranteed that you can't win an election

Real, Winning, Ideas

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.20, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.

Children, Grandmother, Rooms

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of P.J. O'Rourke”, p.14, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

The collegiate idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it.

Fun, College, Earth Day

"Parliament of Whores". Book by P. J. O'Rourke, 1991.

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Fun, Cat, Animal

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.12, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

There are twenty-seven specific complaints against the British Crown set forth in the Declaration of Independence. To modern ears they still sound reasonable. They still sound reasonable, in large part, because so many of them can be leveled against the federal government of the United States.

Government, Independence, Twenties

"Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government". Book by P. J. O'Rourke, May 1991.

People will tell you anything but what they do is always the truth.

People

Microeconomics is about money you don't have, and macroeconomics is about money the government is out of.

Government, Macroeconomics, Microeconomics

P. J. O'Rourke (2011). “Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics”, p.74, Pan Macmillan

Name me, if you can, a better feeling than the one you get when you've half a bottle of Chivas in the bag with a gram of coke up your nose and a teenage lovely pulling off her tube top in the next seat over while you're doing a hundred miles an hour in a suburban side street.

Teenage, Names, Feelings

The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.

Ideas, Capitalism, Happens

Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. It's not entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare get, and how free are they? It's not an endlessly expanding list of rights - the "right" to education, the "right" to food and housing. That's not freedom, that's dependency. Those aren't rights, those are the rations of slavery - hay and a barn for human cattle.

Gun, Rights, People

"The Liberty Manifesto". P. J. O'Rourke 's Speech for the opening of the Cato Institute's headquarters in Washington, D.C., May 6, 1993.

Government conspiracy? They can't even deliver our mail and it's got our address on it and everything!

Government, Addresses, Mail

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Race, Elements, Authority

P.J. O'Rourke (2015). “Thrown Under the Omnibus”, p.253, Atlantic Books Ltd

The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, 'branches' since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks. ... Government is not a machine with parts; it's an organism. When does an intestine quit being an intestine and start becoming an asshole?

Government, Self, Numbers

It is easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as people that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.

Dog, Fun, Mean

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.215, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

In general, life is better than it has ever been, and if you think that, in the past, there was some golden age of pleasure and plenty to which you would, if you were able, transport yourself, let me say one single word : Dentistry.

Past, Thinking, History

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty”, p.2, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.

Christian, Atheist, Fun

We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.

Past, Choices, Republican

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.30, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free - indeed, sanctimonious - way for "progressives" to be racists.

Perfect, Guilt, Racist

"All the Trouble in the World. The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague and Poverty". Book by P. J. O'Rourke, 1994.

The poor of the world cannot be made rich by the redistribution of wealth. Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape.

People, Giving, World

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty”, p.15, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

The preamble to the Constitution states: "We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare..." It doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." And it certainly doesn't say "give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the reason they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV".

Country, Order, Perfect

The free market is ugly and stupid, like going to the mall; the unfree market is just as ugly and just as stupid, except there is nothing in the mall and if you don't go there they shoot you.

Stupid, Ugly, Malls

During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?

Death, Government, Dying

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.149, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

When are the world's political parties going to get appropriate symbols: snake, louse, jackal, ... trash can, clown face, ... dollar bill with bat wings on it?

Party, Snakes, Wings

There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.

Hands, Two, Mind Your Own Business

"The Liberty Manifesto". P. J. O'Rourke's Speech for the opening of the Cato Institute's headquarters in Washington, D.C., May 6, 1993.

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