Humor Quotes - Page 24

Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

I have read your book and much like it.

Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

This act will leave a moral blot on his presidency

It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer.

There are many things we can live without but a sense of humor is not one of them!

Don't forget to bring your sense of humor to your labor.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God??

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!