Humor Quotes - Page 23

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

An Irishman needs three things : silence, cunnning, and exile.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.