Humor Quotes - Page 27

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Humanism was not invented by man, but by a snake who suggested that the quest for autonomy might be a good idea.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Women were afraid of me, they were scared to death. But I always say be yourself, if you're funny then let your sense of humor go there. I mean there's no sense hiding what you feel.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Money may not buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I think if you have someone without a sense of humor, you're less likely to be together.