Humor Quotes - Page 25

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

All good activities which encourage people to learn how to live with one another pleasantly and to develop a sense of humor improve living.

The nation that complacently and fearfully allows its artists and writers to become suspected rather than respected is no longer regarded as a nation possessed with humor or depth.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Caffeine. The gateway drug.

I suppose I look for humor in most situations because it humanizes things; it makes a character much more three-dimensional if there's some kind of humor. Not necessarily laugh-out-loud type of stuff, just a sense that there is a humorous edge to things. I do like that.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Instant gratification takes too long.

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.