Humor Quotes - Page 22

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person. Not having a sense of humor does.

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

Laughter is the closest thing to the grace of God.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

I could not tread these perilous paths in safety, if I did not keep a saving sense of humor.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

Sometimes the only way to make palatable that which is appalling and apprehensive is to season it with some humor.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.