Humor Quotes - Page 26

The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.

I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

When I was 40, my doctor advised me that a man in his 40s shouldn't play tennis. I heeded his advice carefully and could hardly wait until I reached 50 to start again.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

When you turn your heart and your life over to Christ, when you accept Christ as the savior, it changes your heart.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.

Oh Lord, give us a sense of humor with courage to manifest it forth, so that we may laugh to shame the pomps, the vanities, the sense of self-importance of the Big Fellows that the world sometimes sends among us, and who try to take our peace away.

I've heard Eric Clapner, ... I think it was a wonderful thing that Eric Clapner the musician did...So I think that's the wonderful part about it, but listen - I like Eric Clapner!

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

If a thing's worth doing at all, it's worth doing well.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Never trust a theologian who doesn't have a sense of humor.

To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

Give me a museum and I'll fill it.

When I play with my cat, who knows whether she is not amusing herself with me more than I with her.