Humor Quotes - Page 21

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Seems like the light at the end of the tunnel may be you.

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

Drug prohibition has caused gang warfare and other violent crimes by raising the prices of drugs so much that vicious criminals enter the market to make astronomical profits, and addicts rob and steal to get money to pay the inflated prices for their drugs.

Charm is the enchanted dart, light and subtle as a hummingbird. But it is deceptive in one thing: like a sense of humor, if you think you've got it, you probably haven't.

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

When a chick has a sense of humor, theres nothing more attractive.

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.