Humor Quotes - Page 44

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

I take making music seriously, but you have to have a sense of humor about yourself. I invite people into my life. That's how I do it.

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Find a subject you care about and which you in your heart feel others should care about. It is this genuine caring, and not your games with language, which will be the most compelling and seductive element in your style.

It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

The things we laugh at are awful while they are going on, but get funny when we look back. And other people laugh because they've been through it too. The closest thing to humor is tragedy.

In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose.

How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley. George's fingers groped for the side of his head. "Saintlike," he murmured. "What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?" "Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?

The polls indicated that I was feisty, that I was tough, that I had a sense of humor, but they weren't quite sure if they liked me and they didn't know whether or not that I was sensitive.

Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour.

That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year." "Why?" Isabelle said. "So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means.

One does not accumulate but eliminate. It is not daily increase but daily decrease. The height of cultivation always runs to simplicity.