Humor Quotes - Page 42

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew."

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.