Humor Quotes - Page 46

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

Statistics are no substitute for judgment.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

There ought to be limits to freedom.

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

To advertisers: "Do not compete with your agency in the creative area. Why keep a dog and bark yourself?"

Anyone ever lost in the wild knows that nature wants you dead.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

Any good broadcast, not just an Olympic broadcast, should have texture to it. It should have information, should have some history, should have something that's offbeat, quirky, humorous, and where called for it, should have journalism, and judiciously it should also have commentary. That's my ideal.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.