Humor Quotes - Page 43

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

I am a deeply superficial person.

For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

History is written by the victors.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they've got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.