Humor Quotes - Page 45

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

My makeup wasn't smeared, I wasn't disheveled, I behaved politely, and I never finished off a bottle, so how could I be alcoholic?

We are told that Sin consists in acting contrary to God's commands, but we are also told that God is omnipotent. If He is, nothing contrary to His will can occur; therefore when the sinner disobeys His commands, He must have intended this to happen.

People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you.

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

I love playing people who don't have a sense of humor for instance, there's nothing funnier to me than a person with no sense of humor.

I had these slinky eyes and a sense of humor.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.