Humor Quotes - Page 47

Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Just because your ad looks good is no insurance that it will get looked at. How many people do you know who are impeccably groomed... but dull?

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

People are your most valuable asset. Only people can be made to appreciate in value.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I have no sense of humor about losing

Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It's like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

God has a most wicked sense of humor.

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.