Humor Quotes - Page 48

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

Bad humor is an evasion of reality; good humor is an acceptance of it.

Never complain, never explain personal motto of

My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

There is always some frivolity in excellent minds; they have wings to rise, but also stray.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism...we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.

Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.

Any man who has had the job I've had and didn't have a sense of humor wouldn't still be here.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out.

I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment