Humor Quotes - Page 60

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it.

Every Joke is a Tiny Revolution

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."