Humor Quotes - Page 61

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Are the gods not just?' 'Oh no, child. What would become us us if they were?

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

A little perspective, like a little humor, goes a long way.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.