Humor Quotes - Page 65

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy."

To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't go.

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones.

In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running; if you stand still, they will swallow you.

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.

All for one; one for all.

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from birth as a paternal, or, in other words, a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read, and say, and eat, and drink and wear.

I want to help people, give hope to all. Humor is the foundation of our lives.

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?