Humor Quotes - Page 62

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet, poetry can make it more poignant.

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference. It pardons shortcomings, it consoles failure.

Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together.

A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

It is those who concentrates on but one thing at a time who advance in this world. The great man or woman is the one who never steps outside his or her specialty or foolishly dissipates his or her individuality.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.