Humor Quotes - Page 67

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

On average, drug prisoners spend more time in federal prison than rapists, who often get out on early release because of the overcrowding in prison caused by the Drug War.

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

I will lift mine eyes unto the pills. Almost everyone takes them, from the humble aspirin to the multi-colored, king-sized three deckers, which put you to sleep, wake you up, stimulate and soothe you all in one. It is an age of pills.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Being bored is an insult to oneself.

I don't understand how somebody wouldn't have a sense of humor about themselves.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

Laws are not masters but servants, and he rules them who obey them.

I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

Oh, to be seventy again!

The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

I understand small business growth. I was one.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.