Humor Quotes - Page 66

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

Eventually I would like to touch all the genres. I would like to do some detective stories, and I want to do a Western. I would want to do humorous Westerns.

I've never said flange to a monkey!

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

I don't think there's anything to be afraid of. Failure brings great rewards - in the life of an artist.

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness.

Have a sense of humor about life - you will need it. And be courteous.

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

There's not enough psychedelic stuff on TV. I want the world to be a bit weirder than it is. I hate reality, so I hate reality TV. But I love Columbo.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.