Humor Quotes - Page 68

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

So long as you have courage and a sense of humor, it is never too late to start life afresh.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

I met a lot of famous people when I was about 24. And none of them seemed very appealing. And so I didn't know why I would struggle to be that kind of person.

The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.

Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.

Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Character is what you are in the dark.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Humor has been a fashioning instrument in America, cleaving its way through the national life, holding tenaciously to the spread elements of that life. Its mode has often been swift and coarse and ruthless, beyond art and beyond established civilization. It has engaged in warfare against the established heritage, against the bonds of pioneer existence. Its objective --the unconscious objective of a disunited people --has seemed to be that of creating fresh bonds, a new unity, the semblance of a society and the rounded completion of an American type.

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

A joke's a very serious thing.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.