Humor Quotes - Page 63

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world.

There, in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a one in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia as slaves.

When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.

You have to have a sense of humor about life to get through it.

You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."

If we see light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of the oncoming train.

Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

A sense of humor is the main measure of sanity.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The saints are never the kind of killjoy spinster aunts who go in for faultfinding and lack all sense of humor.

It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself up out of the dark abyss of pish and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?