Humor Quotes - Page 72

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Humor can help you to disagree without being disagreeable. The key in democracy is not necessarily that we agree, but that we participate....Despite all the heavy problems- domestic and international- there is humor. Humor transcends partisanship.

Life ain't easy. Terrible things happen to everyone. You have to keep your sense of humor, give something of yourself to others, make friends who are younger than you, learn new things, and have fun.

It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the front of an oncoming train.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

Don't say yes until I finish talking.

Be as a tower firmly set; Shakes not its top for any blast that blows.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything.

Humor is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.