Humorous Quotes - Page 18

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I'll have another beer. I'm not driving.

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

I would have made a good pope.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Gandhi has sound economic and cultural reasons for encouraging the revival of cottage industries, but he does not counsel a fanatical repudiation of all modern progress. Machinery, trains, automobiles, the telegraph have played important parts in his own colossal life! Fifty years of public service, in prison and out, wrestling daily with practical details and harsh realities in the political world, have only increased his balance, open-mindedness, sanity, and humorous appreciation of the quaint human spectacle.

There's no sauce in the world like hunger.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Fate laughs at probabilities.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

I was a Teletype operator in the army, so that's where I learned to type. One day, I went downstairs to see if I could still type - I hadn't done it for four or five years after the war. So I typed out a page and I showed it to my wife and she said, "Where did you get this?" I said I wrote it. "You wrote this?" It was something very funny. I went and wrote another page, another couple of pages, and by the time I was finished I had 13 little short stories, humorous short stories.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.