Humorous Quotes - Page 20

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous mind you can get together, you can reach out and make a try at understanding Spirit.

Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide.

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity.

You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you better know something.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation.

The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake 'till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far I've had no complaints.

Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.