Humorous Quotes - Page 17

Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational.

Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment

A flatterer never seems absurd: The flatter'd always takes his word.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

We all operate in two contrasting modes, which might be called open and closed. The open mode is more relaxed, more receptive, more exploratory, more democratic, more playful and more humorous. The closed mode is the tighter, more rigid, more hierarchical, more tunnel-visioned. Most people, unfortunately spend most of their time in the closed mode.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one's better in bed.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.