Humorous Quotes - Page 21

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

Poetry, I think, intensifies the reader's experience. If it's a humorous facet of the story, poetry makes it more exuberant. If it's a sad facet, poetry can make it more poignant.

The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together.

A dollar won is twice as sweet as a dollar earned.

There are no grades of vanity; there are only grades of ability in concealing it.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

There, in the middle of this mall is the Washington Monument, 555 feet high. But if we put a one in front of that 555 feet, we get 1555, the year that our first fathers landed on the shores of Jamestown, Virginia as slaves.

But I'm saying we are loosing the people who are going to pay my social security. And that bothers me.

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle - Would you kindly direct me to hell?

I have read that, on the average, the Japanese are getting taller, but at the moment they seem to be about the same height as American junior-high-school students, only with fewer guns.