Humorous Quotes - Page 22

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

It is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their passions.

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy."

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

In business, the competition will bite you if you keep running; if you stand still, they will swallow you.

Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.

All for one; one for all.

I really can't think about kissing when I've got a rebellion to incite.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Eventually I would like to touch all the genres. I would like to do some detective stories, and I want to do a Western. I would want to do humorous Westerns.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.

Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Being bored is an insult to oneself.

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.