Humorous Quotes - Page 23

Jaw-jaw is better than war-war.

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Character is what you are in the dark.

One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young.

I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants

Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

Clinton's an unusually good liar. Unusually Good. Do you realize that?

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are complete lunatics, and every single one of us is secretly in show business. Isn't that fabulous?

Five exclamation marks: the sure sign of an insane mind.

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.

Tax reform means, "Don't tax you, don't tax me. Tax that fellow behind the tree."

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.

We don't know when our name came into being or how some distant ancestor acquired it. We don't understand our name at all, we don't know its history and yet we bear it with exalted fidelity, we merge with it, we like it, we are ridiculously proud of it as if we had thought it up ourselves in a moment of brilliant inspiration.

The world is an infinitely fascinating, tragic and humorous place.

If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

It's all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he's perfect.

A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.