Humorous Quotes - Page 24

I'm not a robot; I have a personality and I have emotions. I have a humorous side to me and an angry side to me.

The trouble with music appreciation in general is that people are taught to have too much respect for music they should be taught to love it instead.

The manipulation of statistical formulas is no substitute for knowing what one is doing.

It has long been recognized by public men of all kinds. . . that statistics come under the head of lying, and that no lie is so false or inconclusive as that which is based on statistics.

It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Don't say yes until I finish talking.

I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

A God who cannot smile, could not have created this humorous universe.

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

They didn't trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label. It is a crime.

I am only human, although I regret it.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.