Humorous Quotes - Page 26

It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.

I consider myself a relatively moral guy

Facts are the enemy of truth.

First of all, I choose the great roles, and if none of these come, I choose the mediocre ones, and if they don't come, I choose the ones that pay the rent.

No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most.

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

Any one who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.

The Americans never walk. In winter too cold and in summer too hot.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Zionism and pessimism are not compatible.

The humorous look of children is perhaps the most endearing of all the bonds that hold the Cosmos together. Their top-heavy dignity is more touching than any humility; their solemnity gives us more hope for all things than a thousand carnivals of optimism; their large and lustrous eyes seem to hold all the stars in their astonishment; their fascinating absence of nose seems to give to us the most perfect hint of the humour that awaits us in the kingdom of heaven.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer.

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!