Humorous Quotes - Page 9

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Clearly, society has a tremendous stake in insisting on a woman's natural fitness for the career of mother: the alternatives are all too expensive.

It was a confusion of ideas between him and one of the lions he was hunting in Kenya that had caused A. B. Spottsworth to make the obituary column. He thought the lion was dead, and the lion thought it wasn't.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.