Humorous Quotes - Page 8

Cinema should make you forget you are sitting in a theater.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

If all else fails immortality can always be assured by adequate error.

I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.

My life needs editing.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

Reality is something you rise above.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called "work" in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they talk about thinking "outside the box"; and when they die they are put in a box.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.