Humorous Quotes - Page 12

The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering the art of living.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Ten men waiting for me at the door? Send one of them home, I'm tired.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

How can I lose to such an idiot?

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.