When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen.
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.
Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years.
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
When I became a Sigma Chi it was great, because they were the pople I enjoyed being with and I was very proud of the association. It was kind of an instant confidence builder for me--that what I considered the best fraternity on campus had actually wanted me. And I had always been very shy and without a lot of confidence. So it was a really good social experience and for me it was also a social maturation. It was a great benefit.
Don't kid yourself. Global warming is no joke. Here's how serious global warming has gotten to be in the United States. In this country global warming is so bad, we are now actually starting to warm up to Barry Bonds.
I went through one period when I smoked a surprising, a really breath-taking, amount of grass almost every night.
There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.
Public service announcement: In case of a terrorist attack, bottled water and duct tape are not going to do a damn thing. So do what Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge does: Get really drunk, and pick up a hooker.
Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.
The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them.
Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble.
John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.
Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has apparently just slipped across the border into Pakistan.
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
