In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.
You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
I never set out to do a sketch show.
I love Steven Wright.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?
Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
