A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there's sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you're not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that's it. And that can get a little boring.
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.
I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you're not getting laid.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn't usually come with negativity. I don't really mind sucking at something as long as I'm getting a little bit better at it along the way.
Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
