George Burns Quotes about Funny

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.